WHY I’M NOT GOOD AT RELATIONS
October 19, 2018 | Jon Mostad
You who may read my blog needs look between the lines to get closer to the private one of me. I want it to be so. We'll be meet a text on a social media and still have our private space for ourselves. I have learned the differences between being "private" and "personal". In the text that follows, I will say a little more.
Every Friday at 1700 I post the week's text. The themes are spiritual. My purpose is to stimulate you to seek a spiritual inspiration for the development of your life. A "spiritual inspiration" is about seeking experiences and developing knowledge that extends beyond what a 3D world opens.
My texts are posted every Friday at 7 PM European time. My Instagram account @mostadjon follows daily with Quotes and Captions where the theme is elaborated.
Feel free to comment and contact me for extensions.
Why I'm «not good»
When I'm "private" I share private informations, I seldom do so even when I'm off public. On the other hand, when I'm "personal" I share experiences and feelings you may benefit from. When I am "personal" I am as much in strength as in weakness. Whoever seeks to live a spiritual life must also dare to live a "personal" life. This text and the following texts, are attempts to share on a personal level.
When I realized that seeking a spiritual development for life is about accepting wounds, scars, less functional patterns of action and obvious deficiencies, I could breathe the relief. When I realized that I could develop spiritual knowledge and still be allowed to be incomplete, I could start to smile. Now I know that a person of wisdom becomes the one who, step by step, step by step, pays his karmic debt and prepares his next incarnation by being in his dharma. Then I could lower my shoulders and accept myself as I am.
I'm good at something and I'm not so god at something else. I decide my self what to work on to keep my self in progress.
I've learned my lesson
"I'm not good at relations", is a trait of myself that borders on the private space. The statement is both true and false. When is it true and when is it false? I'll try to say something about it. Let’s take a step back in time.
My first memories as a little boy are related to rejection. I may have been between 3 and 4 years when my parents left me at a home to strangers for a period of 4 weeks. Obviously I was too small to understand they were going on a vacation. At night I was overtaken by horror, wandering around in the complex crying for mom and dad. The staff locked me in a room so I could not walk around. I was paralyzed. During the 4 weeks I was injured for life. My trust in relationships has never been healed. At the age of 13, I finally realized that I was alone and responsible for my own life.
Today I am a good grown man and know that this experience should I meet. Life is always a reconciliation of past lives, so is the law of karma. I was obviously severely "punished" to pay a neglect in a previous life. In such a story, I can feel relief, even though the pain is not released for that reason.
What I learned
I learned that I could not trust in relationships. I learned that in a relationship rejection is awaiting. Through growing up with much uncertainty, criticism and absence of love, I learned to isolate, pull back and not show emotions. I was very good at taking care of myself, but the price was high. In order to safeguard myself against rejection from the other, I rejected myself. A poor strategy and not sustainable at all.
The mix of fear of rejection, criticism, demands and punishment has shaped me. One side of this little lucky combination is that I have trouble understanding when I'm not exposed to the wound, but only meet natural expectations in any relationship. My head knows this, but my feelings do not know.
I chose love. Deep within from being a child I felt a longing for the beauty. Today, I understand that my whole life has been a spiritual inspiration. I could have chosen the dark, but I chose the light. I've made many mistakes I regret, but I always chose the light. I have wounds, scars and hurt feelings, but no bitterness or desire for revenge. All I want is the light.
Life as a soul in a body ruled by an ego is for the toughest. Today, I know my life span. I can count backwards from the year I'm going to leave the body and I can calculate the number of years where I can still be active in my life, my dharma. The calculus is simple, I can make a choice.
I know that in this life I've made up part of my karma from past lives, in several areas. Just like a heavy backpack I dispose. I also know that in this life I am prepared for the next life that will be very different from the one I’m into. In one way, I feel balanced. Therefore, I have chosen to live on with my incompleteness of wounded emotions and physical ailments that follow from this. For many years I have through internal work, training, study and travel, healed my wounds as far as possible. Enough is enough. I'll stop there. I am not perfect, "enlightened", "pure", «divine» or anything holy else. I'm good as is. In this last third of my life, through my choices, I received space for working on my life’s purpose.
By all means, do not listen to me. I'm not a moral standard for anyone. Maybe you can recognize something? If so, I'm both sad and happy. I try to convey an experience from a long life that may be useful for reflection. In summary, I can say so:
* See adversity in life as an opportunity to "make up for you", learn and move on
* Be honest with yourself in what you want to do something about and when "enough is enough"
* Have confidence that the "enlightened" has its imperfections just like you and choose the light in what you do
Balancing love for the other and love for my self, is an everyday lesson.
I do not come when someone demands me to
My allergy to being controlled, dominated and commanded, can sometimes be a bother to me. Occasionally I have to apology. I apologize when I realize I have been rigid and arrogant. However, I'm not so happy to meet other people's needs when they do not feel right for me. Therefore, I work with what expectations I receive and which ones I return.
God and Man
The transcendent source God took shape and imbedded Man. Humans as Gods are given the ability to discern and choose. I think people should accept their imperfections, work to improve and live with their shortcomings when "enough is enough". Then all can find time to seek life’s purpose, put it into practice and prepare the life that comes.
Am I wrong og right?